


Still Remembering

by colabear94



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-16 08:37:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18517846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colabear94/pseuds/colabear94
Summary: A short fic surrounding the break-up, inspired by the song Still Remembering by As it Is.





	Still Remembering

_My heart’s as heavy as these nights are long_

_And I curse the space between my fingers where_

_For a time you belonged_

Pain. Unbearable, soul-wrenching pain dragged through Magnus’s body. He couldn’t believe the words he heard. He couldn’t believe this was happening.

Magnus stood there allowing the numbness to wash over him as heard the door click shut.

What was he to do now? He officially lost everything. The one person who was helping hold him together walked out. Left him to dwindle away into nothingness.

He wanted to scream. He wanted to cry. He wanted to curl into a ball and wish this all away. To awake and realize this was all a horrible dream.

Magnus couldn’t bring himself to do any of that though. He just stood there.

Transfixed.

Broken.

Numb to the long nights and days ahead.

To the loneliness to come. To the phantom feeling of fingers that fit perfectly between his own. To the emptiness of the bed beside him.

_And you’ll find someone new who’s worth your time_

_Someone who's words sound sweeter than mine_

_I’ll hope to mend, trying my best just to get by_

It took everything in Alec’s power to walk away.

Every word he spoke ripped from his throat. He knew he had to make it hurt. He had to sharpen his words. Throw his insecurities and doubts back at him.

He knew it was the only way. He knew he had to make it hurt or he wouldn’t believe him. He had to dig deep. Throw the lowest punches he could.

He refused to meet Magnus’ eyes. He knew if he did, he would cave. He would tell him everything.

He couldn’t do that though. He had to walk away. He had to let go. Let Magnus regain his powers. His true self. He’ll be fine eventually

In time he’ll find someone knew. He will move on. He will be happy.

Magnus will find someone better. Someone to love him and cherish him. Someone he cares about more. Magnus will find peace with another soul.

Even though it tore at Alec’s heart, he knew deep down this was for the best. He forced himself to let go.

 

_I’ve cut your portrait framed within my mind_

_It remains untouched of your paints and brushes_

 

Magnus found himself wandering down familiar street after familiar street. Each turn bringing back a different memory.

He wanted to tear each image from his mind. Each and every flash of Alec that appeared at the restaurants they frequented.

He saw him leaning against the bridge. Sitting at the park. Beside him navigating the busy streets.

He could see his face framed perfectly in his mind. The softness of his eyes. The gently smile. His warm hands. His messy hair. The shape of his lips that fit so seamlessly against his own.

The image sliced at his heart. He needed to remove it.

Magnus tried to cut his picture out of his mind. The carve him away. To forget.

Everything surrounding him wouldn’t let him. Everywhere he knew. Every place that used to bring him joy was now tainted by his presence.

 

_Nothing would fill this hole in my chest_

_Here’s our farewell, I wish you nothing but the best_

 

Alec knew this was the right choice. He knew he had to walk away. To allow Magnus to gain his powers back. To be whole again.

He could deal with the gaping hole in his own chest. As long as Magnus was given the chance to finally be happy again, he could deal.

He could handle the way the hole tore bigger and bigger at each instance of Magnus’ begging for him to stay. He could handle the way it started to bleed when he kissed him.

He could handle this. He could walk away. He had to handle this. It was for the best.

Tears stung the back of his eyes as he pulled himself away one last time. It was time for a farewell. Time to leave.

 

_Can you tell me what hurts more?_

_Is it remembering or forgetting?_

Remembering is painful. Each I love you. Every kiss. Every simple touch and whispered comfort. Every laugh. Every smile. Flashed across in a blinding blur of colors and sound.

Dizzy. Disoriented. Confused. Miserable.

Magnus didn’t know what to feel or how to handle these thoughts. These memories.

Maybe, just maybe, it would be less painful to forget it all.

Let the colors bleed out. The images fade away.

He had to have someone leech these memories from his mind. Take away the pain. Let him forget.

For nothing hurts more than remembering what you can’t have.

 

_So my love, goodbye._


End file.
